Raising Kids: Balancing Technology & Curfews
5 Things We Did That Seemed To Work
There is plenty of advice out there. But very little of it is practical.
We tried lots of things in our house. Some worked; some didn’t. Here are five things you can try with your kids.
Getting Their First Smart Phone
I don’t know what the right age is. We did age 12. We had friends who’s kids had a smart phone at age 8. Others waited until age 15. You will have to make that call and, trust me, you will make the wrong decision. There is no right one.
But you can make the process of obtaining, and keeping, that smart phone a good one.
Our kids were obligated to accomplish 4 goals in order to get an iPhone.
Accomplish something challenging in their hobby/sport/etc. In our case, our little soccer player girls were tasked with being able to juggle a ball with their feet. 100 juggles. This took each girl about 3-4 months to accomplish. So whether you pick a musical instrument or an art hobby or a sport, give them a goal that they will need to work at.
Clean the garage. I love this task because it requires planning, critical thinking (problem solving in the grey areas), execution and pragmatism.
Daily devotional. We are a Christian family and we wanted our daughters to establish good spiritual habits to obtain, and retain, their smart phone.
Be a leader in the family. We left this intentionally vague which helped us later. Kids are generally up for a good responsibility. And “being a leader” is not easy. But it was a card we could play later when their siblings or friends were discussed.
Difficulty: Medium
Impact: Medium (If not for the daily devotional and “leader in the family” this would be Low impact)
Screen Time
The Berenstain Bears Bad Habits book, along with Dr. Jean Twenge’s research articulated in her book, iGen, inspired this screen time approach.
We gave our kids a daily allowance for any day under 2 hours of iPhone screen time. Paid weekly.
Note: If you were going to fully implement it using the Berenstain Bears method you would pay your kid their allowance first and then, at the end of the week, subtract for any days over 2 hours.
Now, this is a tough one to manage and a tough one to audit. There are lots of ways that kids can get around the screen time audit. And there are lots of things that can mess with their 2 hour allotment. For example, does a zoom call to grandma or a boyfriend count against?
You also need to come up with a daily allowance amount that is interesting enough for the kids but also one you can afford.
Another Note: I am embarrassed to say what I agreed to with my kids. I way overshot the daily figure. Meanwhile, my obsessive compulsive kid rarely went over her 2 hour limit. She pocketed beaucoup bucks prior to going to college. I was happy to pay it.
Figuring out how to manage other devices (they can get on social media from their school laptop, for example) or unique, unexpected situations (group school projects) or, even, requests from mom or dad to look up something on the internet (“does this count against my 2 hours?”) all makes for a bumpy integration.
But its worth it.
Ultimately, this becomes a trust building exercise between you and your kid. You need to agree on an audit mechanism (iPhone has built in software but you can get other versions), set boundaries for work-arounds (most kids just jump to a laptop or tablet if their phone is not available), set social media parameters (what apps, with whom, limits, etc.), and be ready for constant engagement (“I was only over by 1 minute” “Our school required us to do searches”).
This is the most involved rule, but has the highest long term payoff. Do what you can to keep your kid’s phone time (social media time at least) under 2 hours per day.
Difficulty: Difficult
Impact: High
Summertime Rules
The first two weeks after school is out are the most difficult. Kids are adjusting to a new program so they tend to be really crabby and the default tends to be lots of screen time. We would try to organize church or sports camps for those first two weeks. This way, the adjustment and “decompressing” from not being in school was interrupted (confused?) by a strict camp schedule.
But whether or not you inject a camp experience into your kids’ summer, most kids end up watching a lot of TV/YouTube, gaming, and staring at their phone.
So we took the TV, YouTube and video games away entirely.
Seems insane, and, to be honest, we were not quite sure that it would work. But it was awesome.
Our kids could earn screen time by doing some kind of chore. It generally earned them 30 mins.
We still had the 2 hour phone limit in place as well.
The net result of the summertime was:
the kids were less crabby
lots of chores were done around our house
the kids spent more in-person time with their friends
Difficulty: Medium
Impact: Medium
The Curfew-Grades Nexus
In High School the kids like a later curfew. One of our best ideas was tying our kids’ curfews to their grades. The formula went like this:
A = 11:45pm
A- = 11:30pm
B+ = 11:15pm
and so on
Kids like (and deserve) agency. So we had the chance to say: “If you want to stay out later, then get better grades. It’s totally up to you.”
And, for the most part it was. Now, maybe your top grade isn’t an A or maybe your max curfew isn’t 11:45. You know your kids.
But the key is that they get to have agency in both their grades and their curfew. And they get to live with the benefits or consequences of their own choices.
Note: You will need to be okay with your kid getting Bs if they want. Let them. B students do just fine in life.
Another Note: You have to follow through. If the kid can frequently make exceptions then the incentive won’t be there for higher grades.
Difficulty: Easy
Impact: High
Overnight Phone Cradle
You simply cannot let your kids have their phone in their room past bedtime.
Our kids had to put their phones away in a centralized, public part of our house by 9pm every night. It only changed for them once they went to college.
Nothing good happens on social media, the internet, or over text after bedtime. Your kids need time away from their device and away from all of the evil that transpires in the dark.
“But my kid uses their phone as their alarm!” Nonsense. Go get them an alarm clock at Walgreens for $15.
Difficulty: Easy
Impact: High
Each of these is totally doable.
Your kids are not too old to start. We started the 2 hour limit program when our second oldest was a junior.
Kids will complain today but, literally, will thank you tomorrow (each of our kids have thanked us for being strict on these things and having rules/boundaries in general).
Parenting is not easy, especially if you aren’t dedicated to being intentional about it. What has worked for you?
Thankfully, my kids are all adults so tech was not as available when they were growing up. I didn't even have video games in the house. They had to go outside to play! They learned quickly never to say "I'm bored." "I'm bored" resulted in washing windows, pulling weeds, etc. My mantra was "It is my job to raise children who can take care of themselves and be used by God to care for others."
Thanks for this! We were talking about this today and comes up often. I am a mean mom, my baby, 18 in a month gets four hrs per day of any social media. She can ask for more and I admit I suck at it. Your plan seems amazing and I just shared it multiple people. Youngest has zero self control and I feel like a failure when it comes to her screen time. She was active outside growing up but addicted to her form of heroin in the form of iPad, laptop, tv, any chance she could get. To this day I have password on my laptop and iPad. I actually “misplaced” an ipad hiding it from her! These kids are truly lost and I feel sorry for them that they won’t get to live the life we did before screens.